“Animals” by Talking Heads from Fear of Music (1979).
(Yep, it’s another album produced by Brian Eno.)
Animals: a play written in one sitting by Dan Samiljan (story by Rick Muirragui & Samiljan).
A small apartment. PAUL unlocks the front door and enters, holding a couple of full grocery bags.
PAUL: Pickles! I’m home!
PAUL puts the bags down on the kitchen counter.
PAUL: Pickles! C’mere, boy!
PAUL starts to unload a few things from the bags.
PAUL: Pickles! Want a treat??
The magic words. PICKLES comes running from another room.
PLEASE NOTE: PICKLES is played by an actor in a homemade dog costume.
PAUL: Hey, boy! Did you miss me? I got you a treat!
PAUL grabs one of the bags and heads to the couch. PICKLES, excited, follows him. PAUL sits on the couch and PICKLES jumps up next to him.
PAUL: Okay boy, relax, relax. Before I give you your treat, I need you to sit.
PICKLES doesn’t sit.
PAUL: Sit.
PICKLES doesn’t sit.
PAUL: Sit.
PICKLES sits.
PAUL: Good boy! Good boy, Pickles! Okay, are you ready for your treat?
PICKLES waits patiently.
PAUL pulls a large bully stick out of one of the bags.
PLEASE NOTE: A bully stick is a dog treat made from the dried large tendon of a bull’s penis.
PAUL: Here ya go, boy! It’s a bully stick!
PICKLES is not pleased.
PAUL: What’s wrong, Pickles? It’s a treat! Don’t you want it? Go get it!
PAUL throws the bully stick into the other room. PICKLES doesn’t flinch.
PAUL: Go get it, Pickles!
A moment passes.
PICKLES: I’m not a dog.
A moment passes.
PAUL: What?
PICKLES: Okay, I gotta be honest with you, Paul. My name is Doug Saunders. I’m from Newton, Massachusetts. I moved here to Chicago a few months ago kind of on a whim. Didn’t know anyone and had nowhere to live. So when I saw your ad looking for a puppy to love and to care for, I just couldn’t pass it up. And trust me, the past three months have been great… Really great! But a bully stick is the dried large tendon of a bull’s penis. I mean, even a dog has boundaries, right?
A moment passes.
PAUL: So… You’re not a dog?
PICKLES: Right.
A moment passes.
PAUL: But I’ve been feeding you dog food the entire time.
PICKLES: Yep.
A moment passes.
PAUL: And you shit outside.
PICKLES: Look, I never said it was easy.
A moment passes. They start to laugh.
PAUL: Wow. Well, I didn’t see that coming!
PICKLES: I know, right? It’s just like, “Hey, I’m a dog, I’m a dog, I’m a dog — Just kidding! I’m not a dog!”
PAUL: Haha yeah! Here I am all, “C’mere boy! Sit boy! Good boy! Eat a bull’s penis boy!”
PICKLES: Haha yeah. Too funny.
PAUL: Too funny.
A moment passes.
PICKLES: Well I really should be off. Find a real job or whatever.
PAUL: Right. Well, Pickles— Ha, sorry. What was it again?
PICKLES: Doug.
PAUL: Doug. Right.
They shake hands.
PAUL: Come visit anytime, Doug.
PICKLES: I appreciate it, Paul. I probably won’t, but I do appreciate it. I should get my things.
PICKLES goes over to his doggie bed and grabs a tennis ball, a stuffed animal, and his water dish. He gulps down the last of the water and sticks the dish under his arm. Just as he’s about to go…
PAUL (desperate): Stay, boy?
PICKLES: Not this time, Paul.
And with that, PICKLES leaves.
A moment passes.
PAUL picks up the phone and dials. Waits.
PAUL: Yes, hello. I’d like to report a missing dog.
CURTAIN.
If you like this, try: Talking Heads: 77 (1977) and More Songs About Buildings and Food (1978).
